If you give a girl a kidney stone,
She’ll probably ask you to take it back.
When you tell her you can’t take it back,
She will most likely curse you out and pout.
Once she’s done pouting (the cursing will continue),
She will begin experiencing an awful lot of pain.
When this pain begins – thanks to your awesome kidney stone –
She will ask for some pain killers.
Once she gets the pain killers,
She will try to finally get some sleep.
Soon, she will realize the medication you can take every 6-8 hours Wears off after only 2. Great.
When the pain killers wear off and she can’t take anymore,
She will want to pet her sleeping dog, her only companion during this night of hell.
The dog will wake up to the petting and assume it is 4:00pm not 4:00am.
Obviously he will want to play.
So she will play with him to keep her mind off of the massive pain radiating from her kidneys, but soon he will want to go outside.
She’ll let him out into the wonderful world of the polar vortex.
When he comes back in, she’ll want to give him a treat for not turning into ice.
After she gives him his well deserved treat,
She will want a treat herself.
But it’s 4:00am and she’s trying this new healthy eating thing,
So, instead, she logically decides the best thing to do is floss.
She will head to the bathroom in search of floss.
Once she finds the kind that doesn’t taste like nasty cinnamon, she will floss away.
She’ll be proud of her adult decision to take action against plaque buildup.
Once she finishes flossing she will feel the urge to clean the bathroom.
After cleaning the bathroom, she’ll realize how incredibly insane her night has been,
And she will want to tell somebody about it.
But at 4:30am people without kidney stones are sleeping. Lucky.
So she will decide to write it all down.
And by writing it all down, she will realize
That – unlike cute animals who receive yummy treats – if you give a girl a kidney stone, she will never ever ask for another one.