Life Made Sense

Life made sense today. Sitting under the uninterrupted blue sky. Listening to the rhythm of a woodpecker in a nearby oak tree. Watching innocence incarnate weave tiny fingers through blades of grass for the first time, unsure of her newest discovery. It was a beautiful day that felt like a gift, just for me. Sitting on our tiny blanket, she and I took in the entire park, having every square inch to ourselves. Free to wander. Free to dance. Free to laugh from our bellies and still keep our giddiness a secret from the rest of the ever bustling world. Heaven was on Earth today, and it made sense.
It made sense, until it didn’t. Home from our outing, the baby down for a well-deserved nap, I reflected on the joys of the day. The miracle of nature and the beauty of childhood blessed my memory, making it a day never to be forgotten. But as I sat, taking in life, a pit in my stomach sorely reminded me that I will never again share one of those miraculous days with you. A guilt crept over me in an instant. Anger grew inside me until I could taste its bitter bite at the back of my throat. How could I have enjoyed such an amazing afternoon after losing you just days ago? How could I forget the darkness that devours when the light chooses not to show? So much that had been right suddenly felt nothing but wrong.
A sound came over the monitor and snapped me out of my self-induced misery. The cry was that of a child ready for more. She was not sad to be awake. She was excited to continue a day of adventures and discoveries. A day that she will ultimately forget as she grows up, but a day that will forever be engrained clearly in my memory. And I did not want that memory tainted by loss. Sitting at my computer, listening to the cooing of a loving infant, I made the decision to let today make sense. Today was a day of light, of bliss. There have been days of darkness, of loss. There will be more of both, certainly. But the giggling of that baby girl is reason enough to hold on to the days of light. To let them reign. Because even though I must deal with darkness, there will never be enough to extinguish the light she’s placed in my heart. And that light will always make sense.

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